We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
