The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
