...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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