hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
