I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My feet surprised me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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