Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
