I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
