I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
