I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
