Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
