Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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