It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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