The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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