I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
