I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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