I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
