i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
