I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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