i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
