i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if only i could text you this smell
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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