I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
