You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
