im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
