my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
