I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
