the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
