I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
