I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
