I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
