youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
