I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
