Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
