Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
