from now on my penis is your penis
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
