Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
