Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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