Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
