I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
