yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
