Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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