she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
