Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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