I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
