so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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