The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
