if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
