proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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