How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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