i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
