Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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