I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
