Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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